Peloton Sports Inc & TORC

All names and places in this Report are fictitious and are in the imagination of the fabricator and so all those who rush to recognise themselves can apply (with a wad of Government secured US Treasury Bonds) for this recognition to be recognised at the next annual UF Report Recognition Ceremony - date to be announced (you have to be a Club member Fizz Fizz). If you have a complaint about the contents of this Report, don’t read any further.

Almost biblically Grunt has forsaken his hero three times this year and denied it. ‘I know nutting!’ he proclaimed when accused of sabotaging Il P’s drive chain (on the bike!). ‘I wasn’t even there!” Not wanting to be left behind, the Big Man put his foot down at the bottom of Bobbo and forgot to stop at the pedal and pushed it, and all connected to it, into the bitumen. Resurrection of some remaining parts somehow got him to the bottom of Galston when steel finally turned to powder as the metal fatigued. But a hero in shining lycra answered his call for help and he and Chris B walked hand in hand up Galston singing “Climb every mountain’.

So Chardonnay and TBG had effectively wasted precious energy keeping the pace going and dreaming of the the big man chasing in agony. Rob M was leisurely pacing himself up Bobbo, way behind the leaders when he saw a vision of the A’s not waiting at the top. And it was true - they didn’t and it was a chase for a while. The Darkside, a subgroup of Peloton, is growing, with Prosciutto Man being the last member. You have to be able to read black on black to become a member - there are other requirements like a dark personality and censored! Anyway the A’s did there own thing for a while with Steve, John and Prosciutto Man hanging in there behind while Green P was yacking on. Since no-one can understand him it wasn’t certain whether he was goading on the pace or crying for help.

Like the treasurer in the GFC, Mike O didn’t know what to do next - hit out in the A’s or follow his heart! His unfailingly perceptive mate, Pat shone the light for him - in the form of sparks from his rear rim as he flatted on the sharpest steepest corner of the Berowra descent. Both their hearts were racing over predicted max and neither from effort! And so it was that they joined the B’s and led them home over the overcrowded ferry at Berowra. There were cyclists everywhere - never seen so many! Ben was there and pinching himself that he was still there - ‘the B’s have grown since I last rode with them!’

‘I’m not last!’ Patricia blurted out up at the top of every hill but she usually was. She had an excuse on the Berowra climb as she picked the sandbox after the ferry rather than before it. Yes, it’s finally happened! And my spies demanded a high price for this info - so for a discount you don’t get the name. A saddle was shredded from its mooring as the sphyncter blew going up Galston - mind you from the way he rode after that it looks like it might have been Stewart. Now on the way home from Berowra, a glove was slapped across UF’s face - a pink glove! From the Mike-held hand of Bomber! Yes it was a challenge to be first up Bobbo - well the bottom line is she cheated by by having too many supporters and was disqualified.

But on the way we passed Fizz Fizz (he pleaded never to have his real name mentioned again on the reports), Roland and Kor all in fancy dress returning from Beauies and looking a little lonely. So Pink is in - and V thinks that all she has to do is turn up in here pink lycra and you’ve earned coffee. And then to make certain that all know about it, get in a photo!! Nice try V, but boy is it going to hurt when you’re on your first B venture. And making coffee in Bar Stelvio doesn’t count. Steve B walked to coffee as he’s having withdrawal symptoms - he’ll be back just in time for the MOM. Talking of which, that’s of course why Ray is back in town! This V12 Supercharged Phillistine has learned nothing from history - remember Goliath Ray, and beware. There are 31 days in the MOM not just 30.

And you’ll note there’s nothing about Oooooowen this week - mainly because he didn’t do anything this week - well, apart from a momentary streak (in lycra) across the Berowra plateau and a lot of heavy breathing when he was following those in pink! Darren and Simon had a delusional moment hanging on the A’s but were unceremoniously shelled like peanuts and left like wayside hookers to be picked up by the B’s. So by now you’ll be aware that the ride was the 4 Gorges - they’re all mentioned in one way or another. Jack is thinking of expanding Pierres - or someone should mention it to him. There’re more cyclists than greedy bankers now and the space is getting cramped.